Cheatsheet for relationships

Similar to Dopamine nation - a book I have read recently as well, this book eplain science of an adult attachment and love overall with the help of scientific literature and individual examples of relationships. The following is my realizations from the book as well as ideas which I have found important.

Attachment biases are formed in the childhood and influence our attachment to others in adult life (there are 3 types of biases - anxious, avoidant and secure).

Anxious people - They tend to have higher need for intimacy and being connected. They benefit from good relationship the most but also suffer from bad relationships the most. When they needs arent met they subconciously use activated startegies (see below). This attachment style have around quater of the population.

Avoidant people - They tend to be the exact opposite from the anxious people. They have higher need for a distance with their partner and often when things get too serious or too close they respond with deactivating strategies and sort of push their partners away. They sometimes have trouble finding the one and move from one relationship to other quite fast. Again quater of the population has this attachment style.

Secure people dont have any of the tendencies listed above. They are xomfortable with intimacy and also with some distance. When they are with anxious or avoidant partner they are able to adjust to them at ease. One of their tendencies is that they tend to take responsibility for their partners needs which may lead to problems if their partner has some mental issues, bad past experiences or traumas. This attachment style has around half of the population so its rather common.

It is important to note that we dont choose our attachment style. It is formed mainly in our childhood and influenced by our parents behavious when we are childs. It used to be the public opinion that when baby is crying you should let it cry out but it cannot be further from the truth. Babies and childs needs are as valid as our adult needs and should be fulfilled. Anxious or avoidant style are often formed as a result of repeated unmet needs of the child by its parents. In adult life we cannot change our attachment style but we can understand it and learn to live with it and this is where this book become useful.

Being attached to your partner is natural and normal (not the other way around when being attached potrays you as needy and desperate). It checks out with science. When we get attached to someone romantically we become one emotional unit with that person - we have very high empathy towards the other person.

Secure base - good relationships uplifts you in all aspects of life (similar to children who went dicovering when their mother was in the room but started crying and stopped discovering when their mum left and didnt stop until the mother returned.

Your needs in a relationship even if they seem irational are valid and your partner should at least try to fulfill them. This is huge. When your meets arent met it starts to create conflicts in relationship. Conflicts can be dealt with in two ways. Protest behaviour (see below) and with effective communications (also see below). One is naturally far better than the other

Protest behaviour - anxious use instead of effective communication

• Protest behaviour means acting out, ghosting, being passive agressive, etc.
• You feel unhappy and want to communicate that to the person but in reality avoidant types are comfortable with this behaviour and will feel more drawn to you
• Effective communication
• To get your message across you should avoid generalization and focus only at the specific situation which upseted you. If you do this you give your partner far bigger chance to understand you and respond accordingly.

Anxious-avoidant trap - often incompatible and creates tension

Avoidant-avoidant - no glue

Activating strategies - attachment system,

• Anxious attachment types of people have very sensitive attachment system so even a subtle cue will activate on of their strategies with the goal to get closer
• “Thoughts and Feelings That Compel You to Seek Closeness with Your Partner
• Thinking about your mate, difficulty concentrating on other things
• Remembering only their good qualities.• Putting them on a pedestal: underestimating your talents and abilities and overestimating theirs.
• • An anxious feeling that goes away only when you are in contact with them.• Believing this is your only chance for love, as in:
• • “I’m only compatible with very few people—what are the chances I’ll find another person like him/her?”
• • “It takes years to meet someone new; I’ll end up alone.”
• • Believing that even though you’re unhappy, you’d better not let go, as in:
• • “If she leaves me, she’ll turn into a great partner—for someone else.”
• • “She can change.”
• • “All couples have problems—we’re not special in that regard.”

You are more likely to date avoidant people

• If you are dating you will more likely meet an avoidant people - they tend to date more (they end and start new relationships faster), they dont date other avoidant people and conversely secure people tend to date less often and anxious people tend to stay trapped in the relationships
• Activated attachment system doesnt equal love, calm system does
• Anxious people trend to programe their brain in a way that they asociate their activated attachment system with love (relationship in danger zone) and call attachment system with boredom

Abundance mindset

• If you are anxious, dating more people will split your attention sice you will be evaluating more possibilities than just obcessing about one (then of course comiting to one when you find the match)
• Moreover you wont be afraid to let go of some partners when they arent a good fit for you becuase you will believe you could find someone better and should not waste more time
• Lastly dating is numbers game

Anxious people tend to suffer the most from bad matches but on the other hand tend to benefit the most from the right matches

Deactivating strategies

• Are used by avoidants to Supreme their feelings for their other as well as their need for intimacy and support
• When avoidants are distracted by something they tend to let their guard down and dont supress their Feelings as much

Often we don’t need to connect with our partner all the time. We just need to feel that they are available all the time.

Avoidants often confuse self-sufficiency with independence

• You feel truly independent when you have a secure base that you can depend on (lean on at any time).
• When you are self-sufficient you may often feel lonely.

When you are not in perfect match there is a way to resolve it - one sided compromise

• Instead of fight it you simply accept that its just the way your partner will be.
• This way however isnt optimal because it caps your satisfation at certain level (you will never achieve the dream - extreme level of intimacy with your partner). However you wont need to constantly fight and be frustrated with your partner
• This way isnt recomended because you are setlling for less.

Breaking up is very difficult for anxious

• Breakup is similar to experiencing physical pain
• Their body needs are hardly met
• Only thing that seemed to met those needs is reunion with their partner thats why they often want to keep in touch with their exes
• 
  

Breaking up strategies

• Inner circle royalisty or enemy

1. Ask yourself what life is like for you in the “inner circle.” If you can’t decide to break up, ask yourself whether you are treated like royalty or like the enemy. If you’re the enemy, it’s time to go.

• Support network

1. Build a support network ahead of time. Start to open up to friends and family about what your relationship is really like. This will rekindle friendships you might have neglected due to shame or plain misery, and will also prepare them to help you when you make your move (see how in strategy 7).

• Supporting place

1. Find a comforting, supportive place to stay for the first few nights. You’ll need all the support you can get at first. The temptation to rebound is very strong. Parents, siblings, or your closest friends can help you control that urge.

• Meet your attachment needs in different way

1. Get your attachment needs met in other ways. Recruit support from the people closest to you and seek diversions, like a massage, plenty of exercise, and comforting, healthy food. The more you are able to quiet down your attachment system, the less painful the separation will be.”

• Dont be hard on yourself for skupiny up
• “5. Don’t be ashamed if you slip up and go back to “the scene of the crime.” Obviously you’re better off not reestablishing contact with your ex, but if you end up doing so, don’t beat yourself up. It is very important that you be compassionate with yourself. The worse you feel about yourself, the more you’ll want to go back to the false safety of the bad relationship you were in. Your attachment system gets activated more when you feel bad about yourself and an activated attachment system means wanting to renew contact even more.
• Pain is real, dont feel guilty

1. If you’re having a hard time, don’t feel guilty. Remember, the pain is real! Friends might urge you to forget about your ex, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and move on quickly. But we know that the pain you’re feeling is real, so don’t deny it. Instead, be kind to yourself and find ways to pamper your body and soul. You would if you had a broken leg!”

• Remind yourself what the reality was like

1. When you get flooded with positive memories, ask a close friend for a reality check. Remind yourself that your attachment system is distorting your perspective on the relationship. Ask a friend to remind you how things really were. Even if you sometimes miss or idealize your ex, reality will slowly sink in

• Desctive via writing down why you wanted to leave

1. Deactivate: Write down all the reasons you wanted to leave. Your objective is to deactivate your attachment system. The best way to do so is to recall the bad moments in the relationship, and the best way to keep them fresh is to write them down. Take a peek at the list when those invasive positive memories creep into mind.

• This too shall pass

1. Know that no matter how much pain you’re going through now, it will pass. Most people recover very well from a broken heart and eventually move on to greener pastures!”

• Use Miranda rights at the beginning of the relationship (What you want, What you need and What you expect) - watch reaction carefully it will tell you a lot about the person

ATP

Since the topic of romantic relationship is personal I wont list here the results but the book offer tests for the attachment style (both yours and your partner) and moreover it offers other techniques to improve your relationships (such as relationship inventory which helps you understand better your as well as your partners needs).