I started reading this book because I am interested in the research of this author and wanted to read more of her work (previously read: Síla zranitelnosti).
Throughout this book you get introduced to 87 emotions, that all of us experience, but only few of us understand. I felt it can be hard for me to comprehend with what I am feeling, and I felt the need to expand my vocabulary to be able to name it, articulate it and eventually understand it.
What I didn’t realize before reading this book was, that “knowing and applying the language of human experience is the key property of all the major categories that support meaningful connections.”
It makes sense because you can understand others only as much as you can understand yourself. And this factor makes this book useful for anyone, in my opinion. I know some people are not so driven for self-understanding, but I think it the right way to start, when wanting to be able to work in a team effectively.
I realized I have. never thought about the meanings of adjectives used to describe an emotion before. Not surprisingly I was wrong about many of them and learned completely new ones. Everything used to be anger, sadness, or happiness - but there is so much more to it.
The list of explained emotions:
Places we go when things are uncertain or too much – Stress, Overwhelm, Anxiety, Worry, Avoidance, Excitement, Dread, Fear, Vulnerability
Places we go when we compare - Comparison, Admiration, Reverence, Envy, Jealousy, Resentment, Schadenfreude, Freudenfreude
Places we go when things don’t go as planned – Boredom, Disappointment, Expectations, Regret, Discouragement, Resignation, Frustration
Placed we go when it’s beyond us – Awe, Wonder, Confusion, Curiosity, Interest, Surprise
Places we go when things aren’t what they seem – Amusement, Bittersweetness, Nostalgia, Cognitive Dissonance, Paradox, Irony, Sarcasm
Places we go when we’re hurting – Anguish, Hopeless, Despair, Sadness, Grief
Places we go with others – Compassion, Pity, Empathy, Sympathy, Boundaries, Comparative suffering.
Places we go when we fall short – Shame, Self-Compassion, Perfectionism, Guilt, Humiliation, Embarrassment
Places we go when we search for connection – Belonging, Fitting in, Connection, Disconnection, Insecurity, Invisibility, Loneliness
Places we go when the hearth is open – Love, Lovelessness, Heartbreak, Trust, Self-trust, Betrayal, Defensiveness, Flooding, Hurt
Places we go when life is good – Joy, Happiness, Calm, Contentment, Gratitude, Foreboding joy, Relief, Tranquility
Places we go when we feel wronged – Anger, Contempt, Disgust, Dehumanization, Hate, Righteousness
Places we go to self-asses – Pride, Hubris, Humility
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Near Enemies
What scared me (made me want to be more aware) was the concept of emotion enemies. According to the research, almost every emotion has a near and far enemy. “Near enemies are states that appear similar to the desired quality but actually undermine it. Far enemies are the opposite of what we are trying to achieve.”
I am pretty sure a am not the only one confusing them quite often without realizing. By being aware, that this might happen, we can prevent doing it, which I consider important, as it is more dangerous than it can seem.
“On the surface, the near enemies of emotions or experience might look and feel like connection, but ultimately, they drive us to be disconnected from ourselves and from each other. Without awareness, near enemies become the practices that fuel separation, rather than practices that reinforce the inextricable connection of all people.”
Near enemy of love is attachment.
Near enemy of equanimity is indifference or callousness.
Near enemy of compassion is pity. Far enemy is cruelty.
Near enemy of loving-kindness is sentimentality. Far enemy is ill will.
“This type of nuance predicts the difference between wholeheartedness and brokenheartedness.”
Cultivating meaningful connections
“Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued, when they can give and receive without judgement, and when they derive sustenance and strength from relationship.”
Cultivating meaningful connection is a daring and vulnerable practice that requires grounded confidence, the courage to walk alongside others and story stewardship.
Grounded confidence is something we replace our armor behavior with. Armor behavior is something that comes to the surface and takes control over our actions when we feel endangered. It is trying to keep us safe, but distancing from our truth.
I used to struggle with letting people come close to me. I would switch from liking them to getting annoyed from day to day. Until I realized, it was just my unconsciousness trying to protect me from getting hurt.
“As we learn to recognize our and remove our armor, we replace it with grounded confidence.” For that to endure we need to be committed to learning and improving. We need to learn to listen to our bodies.
The key to master courage to walk alongside is to give up the need to be in control. Try to be there for people, make them feel understood and not alone. It is being other-focused. Control is self-focused.
The near enemy is controlling the path and far enemy is walking away.
This is very eye opening for me. When someone is struggling, I often try to figure out the solution for them - control the path. I think it is me helping and taking care, but it does more bad than good.
I feel threatened when I cannot do nothing. If that happens, sometimes I walk away. I need to practice more being in the situations and just walking along.
Story stewardship means honoring the story, that is being shared with us by listening, being curious, affirming and believing people their experience. The enemies are narrative takeover and narrative tap-out, showing as being the knower, advice-giver and problem-solver. It is also important to realize, we can never know, how people are feeling. If we want to know – we need to ask! By demonstrating this practice right, we can built a strong trust.
Of course, I have practiced the dark side of story stewardship many times. But studying at Tiimiakatemia has made me way better listener and I realized, how much more I can learn, if I do not take over every time, I have something to say. To not participate and ask people for true feelings is still quite hard for me, but with every try, I feel more confident in it.
ATP
I am certain, I will keep coming back to this book for advice, as it is not possible for me to absorb all this theory at once. But so far, I have used it in the following situation:
I was struggling to be there for my friend that was having a hard time. I didn’t know, how to help without taking over and carrying on her emotions. It was consuming me and not making any change for better anyways.
Chapter “Places we go with others” helped me understand, what I can change about my approach to mainstain healthy and helpful attitude. To share a compassion is all about coming to the same level and acknowledge the similarities of our humanity. We all have probably experienced these emotions in different situations. We know the feeling. we do t have to take over emotions and figure out the action. We can just sit down and feel together.
I learned about the risk of using pity. I am pretty sure I have made person feel like that. Unintentionally. Now I know which behavior to look out for when I notice it. Feeling pity means seeing them as different than ourselves, putting us above or distancing.
A toll necessary for compassion is called empathy. It all starts within us and setting our boundaries. The best technique is to state what is and what is not okay. We must know our deep struggles and accept what was/is weighing us down and acknowledge/ feel empathy towards our own feelings. We must accept ourselves to be able to fully accept and be around feelings that also make us uncomfortable. So, empathy for yourself and then to others.
. . .
Lastly, I want to say, that after reading this I think we should learn this at school, because it is unbelievable for me, how many of us can feel so lost and disconnected, just because emotions were never explained to us. Maybe the world would be a much more beautiful place, if it was not such a tabu topic.
