A week has passed since I left Portugal. Since then, I have been processing, analyzing, reflecting and thinking a lot (crying a bit also).
Leaving a place that was your home for a while is always hard. Especially when you are really happy there. It is a bittersweet feeling. You are grateful for all the memories you have gained, you feel loved from all the people you have said “see you soon” to, you are proud of everything you have learned and of who you became and usually you are also excited about what is gonna come next. But it also hurts. All the things, routines, activities and people you have gotten used to, are from day to day gone. It doesn’t have to be forever, but the next day, they are simply not there. And you feel like something is missing. It is a complicated feeling all together, that’s doesn’t really let you think about anything else.
I love it and hate it simultaneously. As the time goes, it starts to slowly fade away. Eventually you adapt again, find new things that make you happy, new routines, activities, your people and your safe space. And the memories find a special place in your hearth, making you smile every time looking back.
To help me get through the feeling of bittersweet, I like to reflect on everything. It it also a good time to do so, because I still have fresh memories, but I am not physically there which makes me gain more perspective. So here we go.
When I was going to Portugal, I only knew I am gonna sleep and eat at a surf camp in Lagos, work at Wakepark and that’s it. I didn’t want to have any expectation, but you cannot really stop your mind mind from creating them. Some made me excited, some made me worried. You can feel powerless in a way of forming this experience, because it depends on so many unknown factors. But it is not completely true. Your mind has a bigger effect on the outcome, then the external influences. So I wrote myself a letter. To set my intention.
“I am hoping to meet nice people - that is the only thing that matters to me right now. I dont care how my room looks like, how far away or how hard my job is….lovely people, please.”
… and I dont know how, but never before, have I had so many kind, happy and loving people around. Maybe I jut got lucky, but I do not believe in coincidences. I think it actually really matters where you set your intention. Because that indicates where you will subconsciously put your energy and which vibrations you will give off. And everything is just vibrations.
“You put out a good vibration and the only thing that responds to a good vibration is a good vibration. Bad vibration are on a differences frequency. They do not mix each other. And that is the part of physics, the quantum physics. You put out a vibration and you are gonna get back what the vibration is. It is called a resonance” - Bruce Lipton
Too abstract while being too real.
(* basically, you could simply call it goal setting, but for me it just makes more sense this way. Find yours.)
I also wrote myself a list of things, that seemed important to me to accomplish. Things I expected would make me happy and move forward. (Some were actually duties) I haven’t looked at it until now. I checked out half, I laughed and I closed it. This is pathetic, I have learned and experienced way more, but based on this list, I lived half fully.
My point is… don't feel bad if something doesn’t go as planned. If you don't finish your checklist. When planning things, sometimes your mind and imagination doesn’t let you go as far as what you are actually capable of. Sometimes the only limitation is your mind and your expectations. But if you are open to new possibilities, aware that your plans might change and that is how it is supposed to be - you get further. I could never dream of the life I was living. Surfing. wakeboarding. skating. kiting. Small hut as a house. Boss more like an uncle. Fun at work. fun always. Sunsets. sunrises. hugs. smiles. laughs. music. Fresh healthy food. Dirty broken feet. Golden orange skin. Blonde curly hair. And a pool 10m away from my house :))))
I did not lived as planned and I couldn’t be happier.
As i wrote in my last essay, I was playing with the thought of leaving school. But I was never really serious about it. Until the begging of August. After I have thought I sort it out already it came back stronger. I left Lagos to meet my mom and my sister in Lisbon. I couldn’t imagine actually leaving at the end of the month. Why should I come back home? Why not can I actually stay here? Why not? This time. I was serious. I could actually do it. I am so happy there, I want to live life. I want to enjoy life. Have fun. I can have all of that here. And I felt like it is all I want right now. Slowly after I started realizing what does it actually mean. I wrote all the pros and cons but in the end, the one only that mattered was…..
Nothing lasts forever. Eventually this would end as well. And then what? I can go to the mountains, but that means leaving as well. It was never about not wanting to do school, but about leaving. And I realized I fixate on things a lot, but my mom put it in better words for me. When I am somewhere, it is the only reality that exists for me. I live only right there and right now. Fully. As i did, when I was studying last year at Tiimiakatemia. Maybe now, it is hard to imagine myself living there, but eventually I will adapt and live in the new reality. Fully.
So I wrote myself a letter, again. (I did the checklist again, but I know how it is gonna end up xd)
“Actually, the only thing I want to do is to keep my mindset.
- always being open to new plans and possibilities
- not worrying about time
- finding fun at work
- spending time outside
- not giving a single f. about what other people think
- enjoying living
- living to live, not to have
- being excited about learning new things
- being able to relax and chill.”
I am becoming excited again to continue at Tiimiakatemia. I dont have one specific goal. I just want to learn and enjoy. As always.
I want to enjoy life wherever I go. It is within me.
One more thing to say. Being in Portugal gave me an opportunity to understand who I am a bit more. When you are in a new environment with new people, you have to dig deep to realize which opinions are yours and which were shaped by the surroundings. You can create a whole new understanding of yourself as you happen to be in completely new situations.
I love trying new things and it is hard for me to stay focused on one field. But step by step I am discovering a pattern. I love learning and exchanging knowledge. I love talking with people. Any people. Especially with the ones with completely different life stories. I find it fascinating how differently can people view life. It makes me more aware. I love writing. Untangling thoughts into sentence and creating a story. Reading a story, a poem a quote. Making art. Any form. Looking for beautiful things and taking pictures of them. These are the things so far, that make me feel deeply good. Make me feel passionate about life.
There is always a pressure of giving it a form. So what will you do?
I dont know, let me grow into living it.
See you soon !
Quotes:
“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” - Aristotle
“Smart people learn from everything and everyone, average people from their experiences, stupid people already have all the answers.” - Socrates
“Is there anyone so wise to learn from the experience of others?” - Voltaire
- In addition to reading this quote, I tried to write down all the things I have learned from the people I met in Portugal. The list is long.
“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” - Seneca
“It is not things that upset us, it's our judgement about things.” - Epictetus
“Vivamus, moriendum est.” - “Let us live, since we must die.”
“The only thing to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” - Albert Camus
“When the student is ready the teacher appears. When the student is truly ready the teacher disappears.” - Lao Tzu
“Worrying does not the away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace.”
“Ideas are like fish. If you want to catch little fish, you can stay in the shallow water. But if you want to catch the big fish, you’ve got to go deeper.” - David Lynch
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards.” - Steve Jobs
“Thoughts lead onto purpose, purpose lead into actions, actions form habits, habits decide character, and character fixes our destiny.”
“Peoples minds are changed through observation and not through argument.” - Will Rogers
You have to grow from inside out. None can teach you, none can make you spiritual. There is no other teacher but your own soul.” - Swami Vivekananda
“If you're between two actions to take, choose the one that’s the story you’d prefer to tell for the rest of your life.”
“If something burns your soul with purpose and desire, its your duty to be reduces to ashes by it. Any other form of existence will be yet another dull book in the library of life.” - Charles Bukowski
“The wise man learns from his mistakes, the wiser man learns from the mistakes of others.” - Confucius
“You never win alone. The day you start believing something else, you start loosing.” - Mika Häkkinen
“Life is long if you know how to use it.” - Seneca
